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Guys Choice Awards Based On Merit. Not!
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Celebs bowed down to the icon of Guydom on Friday as Spike TV held the 2008 Guys Choice Awards. The ceremony celebrated everything that testosterone holds dear, which, gathering from the categories, is stuff that involves mostly hotness or asses. Sometimes both.
The achievements of several women in show business were boiled down to their varying degrees of heat. Marisa Miller was Hot n’ Fresh. Eva Mendes was the Hottest Eva. Tila Tequila was So Hot She’s Famous, while Sarah Silverman managed the remarkable achievement of being both Hot & Funny. Jessica Biel was simply the Hottest Girl on the Planet, and Cameron Diaz’s recognition for an entire Decade of Hotness brought a tear to even the muy machoissimo of eye.
Then there were the awards for men so stuffed full of virility, other guys have can’t help looking twice at them. (Not in the locker room, though. Never, never there. I was just looking for my car keys.) Matt Damon got top honors, receiving both Guy of the Year and Best Ass Kicker. Eli Manning shared Badass DNA with his brother Peyton. Harrison Ford was recognized for the metallic robustness of his matching genetic carryalls, and male culture icon Hugh Hefner took home the guy’s lifetime achievement award, Alpha Male.
The award for Stunted Emotional Growth was not handed out, although it was rumored to have been reserved for the event’s producers.
The complete list is below.
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2008 SPIKE TV GUY AWARDS
GUY OF THE YEAR
Matt Damon
ALPHA MALE
Hugh Hefner
GUY MOVIE OF THE YEAR
‘Ironman’
BRASS BALLS
Harrison Ford
NEXT BIG THING
Megan Fox
HOTTEST GIRL ON THE PLANET
Jessica Biel
BALLSIEST BAND
Linkin Park
FUNNIEST M.F.
Steve Carell
GUY MOVIE HALL OF FAME
‘There's Something About Mary’
BIGGEST ASS KICKER
Jason Bourne
SEXIEST SIREN
Rihanna
MOST UNSTOPPABLE JOCK
Eli Manning
KING OF COMEDY
Chris Rock
MOST DANGEROUS MAN
Anderson Silva
DECADE OF HOTNESS
Cameron Diaz
HOT N' FRESH
Marisa Miller
PLAY OF THE YEAR
David Tyree
OUTSTANDING LITERARY ACHIEVEMENT
Slash
REAL SPORTS MIRACLE
Kevin Everett
BADASS DNA
Eli & Peyton Manning
TOP FANTASY LEAGUER
LeBron James
HOTTEST EVA
Eva Mendes
SO HOT THEY'RE FAMOUS
Tila Tequila
PRESIDENTIAL VOTING CATEGORY
Barack Obama
FEMME FATALE
Jessica Simpson
HOT & FUNNY
Sarah Silverman
FIERCEST FEMALE
Milla Jovovich ‘Resident Evil’
VIRAL VIDEO
I'm F****** Ben
LUCKIEST BASTARD
Brian Austin Green
HILARIOUS DOT COM AWARD
Funny or Die Affleck
SICKEST RHYMES
Kanye West
KILLER QUOTE
"Don't taze me, bro."
FOXIEST PRESIDENTIAL GROUPIE
Hillary Hottie
